Tuesday, February 22, 2011

28 days

I was sick for 28 days. Illnesses came in succession, with hours or, at best, a day in between. It was a the longest 28 days I've experienced in awhile. I fully realize that I'm not the only one who has been hit hard by illness in the past couple of months. Every time I check Facebook, someone is complaining about being ill, their children being ill or the entire family being ill. (By the way, I was totally guilty of this.) I think it's just been a bad season.

Twenty-eight days is a relatively short amount of time, but a long time to be sick. In the latter half of those 28 days, I began to feel as if I lived in a bubble--looking out at people who were living life normally, while I was stuck at home unable to do much of anything. I desperately wanted to do things. I was depressed, and a little jealous of all of the healthy people playing with their children, going to work, cooking yummy meals and wanting to eat them.

I don't have any deep insights about why I think God allowed me to be sick for so long or why literally everything I had been doing came to an abrupt halt. I haven't figured out an overall plan in this which somehow allows me to think about it all with a knowing grin. I'm not even glad it happened. Honestly, I wish it hadn't. I hated the days I couldn't take care of Micah. I felt guilty for asking for so much help, even though I was super appreciative for it. (Thank you Brandon, Nona, Mom and Debbie for all of the chicken soup, for taking such good care of Micah and for your faithful prayers. I love you.) Even though I can now manage to cook dinner, clean the kitchen and bathe Micah at night before I collapse with exhaustion, I'm still not at my normal energy level. I don't know if a person can understand why bad things happen regardless of how bad the bad thing scores on the "How Bad Bad Things Rank" list. (Yes, I realize my bad thing doesn't rank very high, but I give it at least a 3.)

And yet, I trust.

I trust that God does have a plan in it all. I trust that the plan is for my good. I trust that God can work out His plans and purposes without my help. And I do smile, just not with any level of knowing. I'll admit it--I'm clueless here.

I smile because I haven't run fever in almost two weeks. I smile because I was given gifts from the Psalms, such as, "For You will light my lamp; The Lord will enlighten my darkness," [Psalm 18:28) "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life," (Psalm 23:6) and "For You have considered me in my trouble; You have known my soul in adversities" (Psalm 31:7b). The blessings at the end of the 28 days sit in a heaping pile at which I stand back and marvel with a clueless, dopey grin--a restful family vacation, the ability to celebrate Micah's 2nd birthday on Saturday, the Marriage Oneness study Brandon and I have begun together, utterly unexpected answers to longtime prayers. And these things given, when I can't and couldn't give God a single thing in return other than my unfailing belief that He would eventually heal me and that He is always good . . . especially in times of trial. And yet we know that faith is not something we can conjure or muster. Faith is a gift; more evidence of God's goodness. (Ephesians 2:8)

For my family, friends and friends' families that have struggled too long with being sick:

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord."

-Psalm 27:13-14

I leave you with a preview of the next post:


Amber said...

So glad you and the family are now all healthy and well and back to enjoying each day of life! (minus the temper tantrum-y moments) ;)

Anonymous said...

Melissa, your post was exactly what I needed at this moment. God does give you what you need when you need it. I admit, I don't really like it, sometimes, like you. Hosea 13-14 has really spoken to me today.
Praying for you!
What's your music background? You know sometimes I'm computer challenged!

elmajoelms said...

I'm so glad you're better & have
turned a corner, but I'm committed
to praying that God will take away
your allergies. What you've been
through lately was a short term
problem. The allergies are long
term, and I want you to be rid
of them permanently. Love, Aunt Jo

Morgan said...

Wow, good to read. It is very hard to continue to wait when it feels that every time I begin to make progress, i feel I take steps backwards. I feel I will always deal with prolonged illness, but you reminded me that I at least need to wait on the Lord for the good patches and make the most of them. Thanks for sharing. Love you and I am very glad you are feeling better!

Morgan said...

Thanks. I need the encouragement. It is sometimes hard to wait on the Lord with prolonged illness especially when you thought it was going to be better and then it is not. I have been struggling with that a lot lately. I have got to remember to wait on the Lord even if I am jut waiting for a better patch. Thanks for sharing and I am very glad you feel better!

Morgan said...

i thought i did the post wrong so I redid it and when that one did show up either I read where it says you have to approve it so ignore and don't approve one of those and this one. and don't make fun of me TOO much behind my back. ;) lol