Sunday, December 16, 2012

Hope in the Midst of Suffering

Awhile back, a dear friend asked me why I would choose to faithfully serve a God who has allowed bad things to happen to me. One could rephrase the question this way--"Why do you choose to serve a God who claims to be all-powerful, loving and good when He has allowed you to suffer so much?" My friend is an atheist. She is intelligent and kind, and she would not have asked this question flippantly or with ill intent. She truly wanted to know. Instinctively, she knew that I had wrestled with the hard questions which suffering brings into the life of a person of faith, and she wanted to know what I had discovered. I felt she deserved a thorough and heartfelt response, a response I would give to anyone whom I love and respect. I doubt very much that my answer satisfied her because the answers we are given to these questions are never satisfying.

Recent events have me revisiting these questions. Why must Jenny suffer the horrors of Stage 4 cancer in the prime of her life, just as she was given everything she had dreamed of and hoped for? Why have things been so hard for my immediate and extended family lately? Why can't a single compartment of my life or the life of my husband go untouched by hardship? Why were 20 children and 6 adults mercilessly slaughtered right before Christmas? It all seems so preventable, so unnecessary.....

Timothy Keller places these questions and those like them under the umbrella of the "Questions of Suffering." I have extensively read and listened to his thoughts concerning these difficult questions. His insight has profoundly shaped my own, which will be obvious if you are familiar with his teaching. I am going to share with you what I wrote in response to my friend's question. I'm going to share this with you now because if you are like me, grieving and suffering in a myriad of different ways this holiday season, you need to be reminded that our existence yet contains the hope of joy because of Christmas and that the birth of Christ is something worth celebrating even if our hearts are not merry.

I wrote most of the following on August 15, 2012. I have edited a bit in order to clarify my thoughts and speak to recent events:

"[Friend], your question is not unique. I recently read somewhere that according to a nationwide survey, the issue of suffering is the number ONE reason many people reject Christianity. I am going to be very honest with you—you won’t be completely satisfied with my answer because I have not found the answer to why there is suffering ANYWHERE in the Bible. And I’ve looked! All we know is that the Bible tells us that once the world was perfect, but man chose to disobey God. Since that choice, evil, sin and suffering has been a part of the world in which we live, and these things are the result of our brokenness, sinful natures and the destructive schemes of Satan, the anti-God.


The best answer I have found to the “why” of suffering is located in Isaiah 55—“’For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways,’ says the Lord. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.’” That’s not very satisfying, is it? 

For a moment, let’s pretend that the issue is a philosophical one. The problem so many people have generally boils down to this—“The presence of evil and suffering in the world must mean that God cannot be simultaneously all powerful and all good because if He can’t stop the evil, He isn’t all powerful, and if He can stop the evil and doesn’t, He can’t be all good.” This problem turns countless people away, people who have never believed and people who at one time said they did. But turning away from God doesn’t help anyone with the issue of evil and suffering because if one turns away from God how does one define suffering?

 Evil and suffering must be defined by some absolute moral code or who is to say "_____ is evil" or "____ is suffering"? If there is no God, there is no divine law. Nature rules, and we all know that nature rules by violence. So if there is no God, who is to say that violence is wrong? And if there is no God, who is to say that suffering is not natural? If there is no God, we are slaves to evolution, which means that the weak have to die so the strong can live and carry on. Suffering should and would still happen if there was no God. If there is no God, there are no moral absolutes, so “right” and “wrong” are just feelings, and who is to say that one person’s feelings about morality are more valid than those of another? So, while I have no real answer for why I am suffering, I realize that disbelief and anger get me nowhere.

I know you didn’t ask, but I want you to know how I get through my suffering with happiness and hope. We are friends, and I love you. It would be wrong to cut short my response at a philosophical level because the real issue you have isn’t one of philosophy, but one of faith. I don’t mean that in a condemning or condescending way at all. I hope you read this feeling the compassion and empathy I’m trying to communicate. 

I’ve been studying 1 Peter in the Bible, which could be otherwise titled, “Suffering for Dummies.” This dummy (me) has learned a lot from this letter to the suffering, Roman church. I’m going to quote a passage from Chapter 1 not because I’m trying to preach or whop you over the head with a Bible, but because God’s words have power that mine do not. Also, they have been my lifeline, so you can’t understand my attitude about my illness unless you know the source of my hope--

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His abundant mercy has begotten us again to a LIVING HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance incorruptible and undefiled and that does not fade away, reserved in heaven for you who are kept by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the goal of your faith—the salvation of your souls.”--1 Peter 1:3-9

In this passage, Peter likens suffering (trials) to a fire. I will give evidence of God’s goodness in a moment, but for now, I will tell you that God’s wrath (God is wrathful because He is just and righteous, and justice and righteousness can’t allow evil and suffering to go unpunished) is also likened to a fire, and it is the ultimate fire. No fire I will ever face [even the soul-burning fire of losing a child to a mass murderer] will be as great as the fire of God’s wrath. I include that tidbit because there is One who faced that fire. Christianity is the only religion in the world that boasts of a deity becoming a man in order to die for His subjects. Jesus willingly left Heaven, giving up His God-ness and all of the privileges thereof, knowing better than any human that ever lived what the fire of God’s wrath is like, and He PLUNGED Himself into that fire so that He could end evil and salvage us. The fact that He did that does not give me the answer to why there is suffering in the world, but it DOES tell me what the answer ISN’T. It isn’t that He does not care! 

 I firmly believe that my suffering is personal to Jesus because He felt everything on the cross that I am feeling now . . . . only much more profoundly. He was cast into utter darkness so that I could live in light. My mind is so blown by that! Though it is old knowledge, it rips my heart to shreds every time I think of it. I cannot think about the cross without tears. Jesus went to the greatest lengths imaginable to keep His promise He made in Isaiah 43—“Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name, You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you . . . . . Fear not, for I am with you.”

In addition to the blazing emblem of God's love--the cross--1 Peter 1 tells me that I have this “living hope” thing to which I can look when all seems lost. I believe that because the living hope is “through the resurrection” of Jesus that I can bank on that hope being more than just some spiritual, ethereal Band-aid that will somehow make me feel better about my suffering. No. I believe it is going to be a restoration of everything I’ve lost—my health, my dreams, my happiness, and every cent I’ve given away believing that I am indeed laying up my treasure in Heaven. It’s going to be this life, this world made right! 1 Peter 5:10 says, “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself RESTORE, confirm, strengthen and establish you.” (If everybody in the house wasn’t asleep right now, I would shout!)

I believe that everyone has to have a “living hope” to get through suffering without being ruined. So, I wonder, what was Jesus’ living hope? What did He NOT have in Heaven?  What could possibly make the ultimate suffering worth it for Him?

 It’s us. WE are His living hope. And knowing that I am His living hope, makes Him mine!

But none of that is philosophical. That’s faith. It boils down to Jesus, “whom having not seen [I] love. Though now [I] do not see Him, yet believing, [I] rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of [my] faith—the salvation of [my soul.]”   

God has given me the gift of faith, and I have accepted His lordship over my life. The Guy who jumped into the hottest fire in existence to save me is worthy of my submission. Once that decision is firmly made, the “problem” of suffering isn’t really a problem anymore. You asked specifically about Job. I will quote from a poem written about Job by John Piper. It is a sentiment to which I deeply relate—“Unkindly has He kindly shown me God.” 

The reason suffering isn’t a problem for me anymore is that I want to see God more than I want to live a life of ease, happiness or comfort. And the truly amazing thing about God is that He ALWAYS shows up in suffering." 

End entry.

This Christmas season, more than any other, I am thankful to serve a God who is "a Man of sorrows and well acquainted with grief." We need the suffering Savior this year. I need the suffering Savior this year. May we all find our solace in Him during this difficult Christmas season.

And if anyone from Newton, Connecticut happens upon my humble blog, I want you to know that I am crying real tears with you, my soul hurts with yours and I am lifting you before my great and awesome God, who will hold you in His very arms if only you will let Him. Grace and peace be with you.


Friday, December 14, 2012

Addressing the Elephant

I am NOT an "ignore the elephant in the room" kind of girl. If there is an elephant in the room, I believe it should be addressed. It is unnecessarily awkward for everyone to converse over or through an elephant. If someone tries to move around the elephant, that person will either:

A) Trip
B) Look ridiculous or
C) Find herself with a large mammalian rear end in her face.

So let's address the elephant!

In my quest for healing and health, medical doctors and Western medicine have failed me. I have baffled them at every turn. One such doctor, who specializes in allergies and immunology, basically told me to go home and starve to death. (I will admit, however, his exact words were a bit more diplomatic.) Because "modern medicine" failed to help me and because my symptoms were so severe that I had to choose between doing something radical or dying, I chose to do something radical. "Something radical" usually equates with "lifestyle change," and it has certainly meant that for me.

I have radically altered my diet, choosing only to eat "gut healing" foods. My diet does not resemble the standard American diet in the least. It doesn't even resemble diets that are widely considered to be "healthy" in our culture. If changing my diet wasn't enough, I'm also making as many personal care and household products as possible. I see multiple natural doctors, take supplements instead of medicine, drink herbs and regularly have this super shady "BioSet"/acupressure treatment done. I talk of "toxins" and "energy pathways," and I've traded my nice home for a trailer and the commune life so that I can help my parents begin an organic farm.

Most of you are probably thinking one of three things:

A) "Oh my word! She's crazy! I knew it!"
B)  "Oh, bless her heart. She must be so desperate!" (I hear this one in sweet, old-lady Southern drawl, don't you?)
C) "I am really worried about her. She's just going off the deep end with all of this new age hocus pocus. She'll be worshiping stars, hugging trees and practicing voodoo before we know it."

For those thinking choice "A," you are absolutely right. I follow an invisible God who asks me to die daily to my own desires, to store up invisible treasure in invisible places instead of seeking financial gain, and tells me that I have to love people who are absolutely awful to me, and to the best of my ability with the help of the Holy Spirit, I do it because I love Him. That's crazy.

For those thinking choice "B," you are also correct. I am desperate. I was looking at death in the eye on a daily basis. If the recurring anaphylaxsis didn't get me, I was going to starve to death. Starving isn't on my list of "Top 10 Preferred Ways To Die." (What? You don't have a list?) So yes, desperation drove me to take drastic measures.

And for those of you thinking choice "C," I honestly understand your objections (voiced or unvoiced) to my choices. I am not at all threatened by those objections because I once had them myself. I've had to be utterly convinced that what I'm dealing with is actual science and not some kind of crazy juju devil worship or worse--another "power of positive thinking" or "prosperity gospel" thing. I have read lots of good research done by renowned doctors who have nothing to gain by their findings. I am now satisfied that the science is real, and was surprised to find that it has been around a long time in the forms of ancient Chinese medicine and great-great-grandmother's home remedies. Today, we are simply able to better explain these seemingly mystical practices thanks to the scientific advances made over the course of the last several years.

For those who are still truly concerned, consider this--most of us do not know how cell phones work. We don't understand the science behind these little gadgets that we all carry around in our pockets and purses. But we do carry them. We also use computers, fax machines, and credit cards with little more than a vague idea of how they work. While most of the natural therapies I'm using aren't anymore infallible than prescription drugs, they are working for me. In small yet significant ways, I am better....without communing with the universe, dancing naked on hilltops, or other such nonsense. I hope you now feel free to think of me as only crazy and not as misled.

As I have learned new information that has helped my family and me, I have had a hard time keeping it to myself. I am so excited to find simple remedies to common ailments that do not include potentially harmful substances! So I share my discoveries on Facebook, on Pinterest, in emails and in face to face conversations. My doing so makes some of you feel very uncomfortable. Your reasons are your own, but I know that there is often an unspoken tension between two people who are making drastically different personal choices. I have felt this tension myself, so I know many of you are feeling it--this ambiguous, unsettled feeling. It's hard to give this feeling a name. Is it guilt? Is it the sense that we are being judged? Usually, the feeling is far too complex to label.

I have given this subject lots of thought, so allow me to suggest that the reason we feel so uncomfortable when another person's behavior sharply contrasts with our own is that we chronically seek validation from others. We need validation, and if you've lived ten years on this earth, you know that more times than not, people just don't give it to you. Here is hope--the Christian does not need validation from people. We continue to seek it, but we don't need it.

In his book, The Imitation of Christ, Thomas a Kempis writes, "He to whom the eternal Word speaketh, is set at liberty from a multitude of opinions," which basically means that it is okay if no one understands you and everyone thinks you're crazy. If you are following the Lord and hearing His voice, you do not need the approval of man. I do not mean to say that we should go out of our way to be weird for the heck of it. I simply mean that when the way of the cross leads you to strange places, you don't need the approval of others to know it is where you should be because all that matters is that God wants you to be there.

I also don't mean to say that we can live however we want without regard to the needs and feelings of others. The Bible discusses this topic generally and specifically as it applies to my situation. For general purposes, concerning liberty and the care of others, we are given Galatians 5:13-14--"For you, brethren, have been called to liberty; only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'"

Specifically concerning diet, we are given Romans 14:14-23. Paul writes--

"I know and am convinced by the Lord Jesus that there is nothing unclean of itself; but to him who considers anything to be unclean, to him it is unclean. Yet if your brother is grieved because of your food, you are no longer walking in love. Do not destroy with your food the one for whom Christ died. Therefore do not let your good be spoken of as evil; for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. For he who serves Christ in these things is acceptable to God and approved by men. Therefore let us pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another. Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All things indeed are pure, but it is evil for the man who eats with offense. It is good neither to eat meat nor drink wine nor do anything by which your brother stumbles or is offended or is made weak. Do you have faith? Have it to yourself before God. Happy is he who does not condemn himself in what he approves. But he who doubts is condemned if he eats, because he does not eat from faith; for whatever is not from faith is sin."

I will confess now that when I read the words I placed in italics, I crumbled and wept. Without realizing it, I had become prideful in my heart about my new way of living. I had come to believe that the way I was eating and seeking health care was superior to that of others. I am wrong when I think like this for "all things indeed are pure." (Excepting deep fried Twinkies. I am sure deep friend Twinkies are not pure.) On the other hand, if a Christ-follower believes that natural health care is unclean, to her it is unclean. This is the case for my friend, Jenny. I have shared with her some of the natural alternatives available to her, but because she has a negative spiritual history with natural health care, it is unclean to her. God would not have her seek alternative medicine as I have.

However, because we love one another and because we trust that we both follow the Lord's leading, we are comfortable with our different approaches to healing. I even rejoice in it! Wouldn't it be a grand thing for the God to use Western medicine to heal my friend and alternative medicine to heal me? Wouldn't it be a glorious picture of how God can do whatever He wants, however He wants? Wouldn't it be a magnificent show of how it is not medicine that heals, but the hand of God?

Allow me to apologize now if anyone has felt the brunt of my superior thoughts. God has shown me the error of my ways. I now see clearly that what I am doing is not necessarily better, only different. Forgive my human weakness. As Thomas a Kempis further writes, "We are too much taken up with our own passions; and too solicitous about transitory things." I will likely continue to share some of the good information I discover, but I will understand completely if that information isn't for you. The last thing I desire to do is to "destroy with food the one for whom Christ died." I will strive to "pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another." I promise you that Christ in me will not allow me to judge you for doing what you believe to be right for you and your family. I will remember that "the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." It is one of my sincerest wishes to walk in love to you. I can promise these things because Christ has promised the complete the good work He began in me (Philippians 1:6). I can always bank on the promises of God, but I cannot promise to give you validation for your choices anymore than you can promise to give me validation for mine.

 The validation of others is worthless, anyway. The only validation anyone truly needs.....the only validation that will ever satisfy is the validation found in Jesus Christ. Real salvation begins by deciding to stop trying to save yourself, and looking to the sacrifice of Jesus Christ to save you. It has been accomplished for you, and you cannot earn it with any amount of money, talent, service, education or power. And once you invest yourself fully and completely in Him, nothing--not illness, not loss, not disapproval, not disappointment, not the cruelest persecutions, not even the largest elephant in the room--can touch you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Like a Lake

About a month ago, I was at Toledo Bend, staying in a beautiful lake house with Jenny and her family. I spent a lot of time in the kitchen that weekend--cooking, eating and cleaning (as much as Brian and Jenny would allow). The open floor plan gave way to a spacious living area, which featured large bay windows displaying a wide expanse of water sprawled outward below an endless sky. I did most of the meal prep from the kitchen island so I could easily talk with my friend and keep an eye on the water.

 The lake called to me as if the white caps contained hidden messages. The tongues of its miniature waves sang secret songs as they tasted the earth of the shore. All weekend long, I kept looking to the water as if it would help me to gather my thoughts and steady my spirits.

It was a hard and beautiful weekend. Soon after writing about our God-ordained encounter, Jenny's doctor unexpectedly "timelined" her, giving her only a few months to live with or without treatment. Before that weekend, she had taken one round of chemo, which was awful for her. All I wanted in the world was to be there for my friend. Originally, I had intended to travel to Houston, to Jenny's home, and help her with household tasks, but she suggested we meet halfway at her father-in-law's lake house instead. Rather than cleaning, doing laundry and cooking meals, Brandon and I were on vacation with good friends. It would have been perfect had it not been for the huge, ugly elephant in the room. (If I did not passionately hate cancer before, I definitely do now.)

To our credit, we managed to talk of things unrelated to Jenny's health struggle. We learned a lot about one another, enjoyed the kids, shared old photos and ate really well. But when there is an elephant in the room, you occasionally bump into it whether you want to or not. There were sighs. There were tears. Then there were moments so perfectly bittersweet and glorious that they took my breath away. And the lake witnessed them all.

Against the magnificent backdrop of the water, I watched Brandon bond with Brian and Benjamin. What I witnessed bloom between them whispered tales of long friendship regardless of what the future holds. I have never been so thankful that God blessed me with a pretty singing voice as I was when I pulled out my hymnal given to me by my Grandmommy (who was taken by breast cancer in 2003), and sang my favorite hymn--"Be Still My Soul"--to Jenny out on the back porch against the uneven, rocking chair rhythm of Toledo Bend finding its end on the shore. On Saturday night, Jenny, the kids and I headed to the boat dock to get a front row seat to the spectacular sunset. The wind tossed and pulled at us as layers of clouds, each with distinct personality, danced among the rays. It lasted and lasted, taking on different shapes and hues--one moment the sun wore a brilliant halo, the next it wore a scarlet crown, angles of light vaulting off his brow like starbursts which the lake caught in her giant bosom. The colors glowed richer and warmer until the great ember rested his head on a bed of tall pines in the distance, and with a violet sigh, bid us goodnight. And I believe my favorite moment of the weekend took place on Sunday morning. Jenny and I prayed and took communion together. That day marks my most memorable communion experience to date.

 I led so awkwardly, but our hearts were so sincere. I had brought along rice crackers I had special ordered. For the first time in almost a decade, I took "the bread," and was momentarily taken off-guard by the sensation of crushing it with my teeth. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 came to mind--"We are pressed on every side, but not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." In the next thought, I recalled Isaiah 53:5--"He was pierced for our transgressions; He was crushed for our iniquities."Jesus was crushed, so we would never be more than pressed. He despaired so we would have hope. He was forsaken so we would always have God in our midst. He was destroyed so we could be salvaged.

In the shadow of cancer and timelines that are impossibly brief, it is easy to forget the victory Christ has won for us. It is easy to forget that we are not crushed, not forsaken, not destroyed. This is why Communion is such a gift--it reminds us of what was won for us and of the One who won it. If we could always keep the cross blazing at the center of our vision, we would never--for even a moment--despair.

In the spirit of honesty, I will confess that my weak little heart wanted to despair all weekend. It wanted to shield itself, fold inward like a cowardly rosebud afraid to face the open air, imagining itself to be safe in the hideaway of paper thin petals. My heart is frail, and it is also smart. While it still believes that Jenny will outlive her timeline and could very well beat this thing, it also knows it could be in for a mortal wound. (Our souls have been knit together, after all.) But taking that moment with my friend to remember the cross--to feast upon the sacrifice of Jesus--gave my yellow-bellied heart courage.....the courage Sara Groves musters in her song, "Like a Lake," which played on repeat in my mind all weekend as I took in the watery expanse of Toledo Bend--

"So much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul;
So much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it.
When everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache,
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake,
wide open like a lake.

Standing at this water's edge
looking in at God's own heart,
I've no idea where to begin,
to swallow up the way things are.
Everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain.
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake,
wide open like a lake.

Bring the wind and bring the thunder;
bring the rain till I am tried.
When it's over bring me stillness.
Let my face reflect the sky,
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake--
wide open like a lake.

Everything in me is tightening,
curling in around this ache.
I am fighting to stay open.
I am fighting to stay open.
Open, open, oh wide open,
open like a lake."

In the last month, Jenny has undergone another chemo treatment, which was also terrible, and has chosen a new doctor at MD Anderson who specializes in her type of cancer. She begins a rigorous treatment schedule this week--she will receive chemo every two weeks until her body can't take anymore. As you can imagine, this will be extremely difficult for her and her family. Join me in prayer that the chemo will attack everything bad in her body, and leave all that is good. Pray that she will be given strength and courage and peace and all the things a person needs to face a trial this big. Pray for her sweet family--Brian, Benjamin and Juliet. Pray that she is able to have a joyous Christmas with her family. Ask the Lord to continue to give her hope. Hope is so very important.

I'm still holding out for a miracle--the big kind that ends with, "You're cured. Go home and enjoy life," but I do not know God's mind. He is far too knowledgeable, far too wild and unpredictable to guess at what He will do. However, I do know that He is good and that He has very specific purposes in mind which will ripple outward, extending far beyond our lifetimes. Trusting in His goodness, believing in His kindness and remembering His sacrifice which fulfilled every promise He ever made gives me the courage to fight--to pray from the vantage point of victory, to laugh with her about everyday life, to go to her with my comparatively miniscule trials without feeling petty, to encourage her in any way I can, and to hold my heart wide open.....

 
 Open like a lake.


Saturday, December 8, 2012

Setback: A Brief(ish) Health Update

Well, I have good news and bad news.

For the past several days, I have believed myself to be sick with a virus. My symptoms have been a low grade fever, diarrhea, fatigue and a general feeling of "puniness." The weird thing is that I have been suffering from diarrhea for almost two weeks and a temp for almost that long. I have been doing all of my "hippy remedies" that worked for my last virus/infection, but I haven't been getting better.

 Last night, I felt led by the Lord to read further in my GAPS book. I read the chapter on supplementation in which Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride warns the reader that the GAPS patient is often too sensitive for supplements beyond probiotics and hydrochloric acid. The actual capsules can cause irritation of the gut lining. I had a major "aha" moment because my mind naturally went to all of the encapsulated supplements I've been taking.


However, I realized soon thereafter that the capsules were not likely my greatest offender. I started a powder supplement (which I mix with water and drink) called "OptiCleanse" a little over two weeks ago, beginning with a small dose and gradually increasing.

This is what I believe has happened as a result--the "cleanse" has inflamed my digestive tract, causing me to have diarrhea at least once a day (which is crazy because I have always had the opposite problem). The inflammation in my gut has triggered inflammation everywhere else, causing the fever, pains and aches I've been experiencing as well as the fatigue and bad case of the "blahs" which, in my opinion, should be reserved for January. In addition to these symptoms, I am more sensitive to allergenic substances. Last night, I had my first major food reaction in several weeks. Today, I had my first severe reaction to latex in awhile. (Praise the Lord, but awwww.....man!) My body (which has completely reprogrammed through diet, B.E.S.T. therapy and BioSet treatments) now HATES Benadryl, so I just waited out the symptoms, trusting a capable family member to administer Epi if needed.

The good news: I'm not sick with a virus.
The bad news: I'm not sick with a virus.

A virus would have likely compromised my immunity in the case of exposure to another illness. Granted, that is never fun, but I could have recovered fairly quickly from a measly little virus. Instead, I find myself set back almost two months in my efforts to heal my gut. That's two months I can't get back. I almost have to start over. Boooo!!!

Please pray for me. I am struggling emotionally with this because in addition to feeling the last two months have almost been all for naught, I also know that it means that I have to go back to eating mostly broths and soups for awhile. (In my best whiny, three-year-old voice)--I DON'T WANNA go back to broths and soups!!!!! Buuuuuuut, I need to.  I will likely live dangerously, and choose to splurge a bit around Christmas. I'm thinking maybe another Crockpot roasted chicken and a chocolate pudding made out of avocados and dates. (I know--I'm so wild.) But for now, I'm going to mind my "p"s and "q"s as well as I can manage so that "splurging" will be an option. I have also discontinued all of my supplements outside of probiotics, digestive enzymes and the ones I need to correct the problems caused by my genetic mutation.

 Also, I really hate feeling sick. It's hard doing everything I've come to expect of myself, and feeling like poo all the while. It's hard figuring out how I'm going to feed my family satisfying meals which will require much of my effort while having to pass on what I would like to eat, and eat something else much less satisfying. (Seriously, can I just act like a child and demand to be taken care of? Please?)

While I am not pleased at all by the turn of events or the timing of the turn, the Lord remains my strength. I no longer feel His arms quite so keenly as I did in those early days of questions and terror, but He has proven the reality of His presence every day. I am not physically stronger, but He has made me stronger in other ways. He is currently weeding out vices and problems with my heart, molding me into something more like Jesus and less like my old self. He is challenging me on new planes, and every part of my soul He has touched has breathed forth new life. He has allowed this setback for specific reasons, all of which must be good because HE is good.

So, I may be bummed, but I know where to go for JOY--the lasting kind that does not heed circumstances or feelings about those circumstances. On February 26, at I time in which I had no assurance I would live to see the next day, I wrote this little gem of a sentence in my journal-- "If I cannot take joy in anything else, I will look into the face of JOY Himself until it returns to me."

That's my plan, and I'm sticking to it.